For the Love of a Son

By Laura Duncan on 01/27/2011 @ 11:28 AM

Violence begins when we violate the integrity and identity of another person. With these words, Dr. Rona Fields opened the night at the event I attended, Gender Genocide: Combating Violence against Women, organized by the National Capital Area YWCA. Many people gathered to hear Maryam Totakhail tell her life’s story, which is also the subject of the book For the Love of a Son, written by Jean Sasson.

Born in Afghanistan, Maryan remembers wishing for the freedom enjoyed by boys of her age. She even convinced her parents to enroll her in school as a boy, and pretended to be one until she could no longer hide her gender. After the Russian invasion of her country, she moved to the United States with her family. Unfortunately, she was to suffer the fate of so many Afghan women, for after her mother’s death she agreed to marry an abusive man in order to assuage her father’s grief.

Her only happiness in life was the birth of her first son, Daron. Unfortunately, her husband’s abuse continued and after Maryam filed for divorce he kidnapped their son and moved to Afghanistan. Maryam dedicated all her time and efforts to finding her son and bringing him back to her, which she succeeded in doing when her son was nineteen-years-old. The union was not happy for long: as a result of her ex-husband, her son had become a threat to her integrity and that of her family. In light of this, Maryam was forced to accept his return to Afghanistan.

Dr. Fields, a licensed clinical psychologist, explained that the effects on Maryam’s son are not rare in children exposed to domestic violence at home because such violence is often intergenerational. Kimberley Berry, the DC Assistant Attorney General, spoke about her work and the domestic violence issues that the District of Columbia faces. She stressed that there is no typical victim of domestic violence because it can happen to anyone, regardless of class, race, sexual orientation or level of education.

The speeches were followed by a discussion with the audience, in which we debated the importance of breaking the cycle of domestic violence, the need to educate boys as well as girls in order to prevent future violence, and alternatives to incarceration. The event was pervaded by a feeling of sadness, a result of Maryam’s life story and the opinion of experts on the persistence of some domestic violence after incarceration or medical treatments. But it also brought us hope for the possibility of breaking the cycle of violence through prevention and education.

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